Content warning: This poem contains language that describes disordered eating.
Welcome to Bridget’s Brittle Bones
Where the art of seeing food is more than enough to turn you obese
For this morning’s drink, we have a glass of water with the rim decorated from leftover dry skin coming from your lips
You can keep on drinking, but just so you know, no matter how much water you drink, your lips will stay cracked
As you can see on our menu, we have no appetizers
Instead, we have a very exclusive mirror to look at yourself and keep you from eating
We will give you a magnifying glass to see how close your buttons are to popping out from your pants.
If they aren’t, then just fasten your belt tighter and then you’ll see it
Welcome to Hazey’s Hellish Health
Where ice cubes are the most popular and only snack here.
This afternoon we have an H20 Hydration bar to choose your favorite type of water: Dasani, Aquafina, or Deer Park.
And if you want a little spice, we also have Perrier, San Pellegrino, and La Croix.
The lunch today is an apple
But only eat half!
The less of the apple the better.
This should be more than enough to keep
you energized for the rest of your day, but if it’s not, then take a mini granola bar
with you and eat a quarter way through.
Welcome to Derrick’s Declining Diet
Where at this point you shouldn’t be eating anything at all, yet you are still here
For tonight’s happy hour, we have a 50% off deal for all of our Aqua Reservoir, Cocktails garnished with all the words you have said to yourself while passing a mirror
Including: Unattractive, Unloved
And the most popular of them all:
Fat
For tonight’s dinner, we have the leftovers
from lunch
And if you ate them all then, sorry, we don’t have anything else, you fatass.
Tomorrow, Tommy’s Triggering Tummie will be closed
You had way more than enough to eat today, so come back next time if you still want to be heavy.
Or if you’re even still alive.
We have special catering personalized for your funeral if you die.